With all of the seriousness lately, I thought a little humor might be in order.
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make love.She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more than she has ever shown with any other man.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes,and says......................:"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
Serious Stuff.......
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Colonial Tonewoods
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Good one Steve!!!! We sensitive men need to stick together.OK here is another joke:
This guy is at a bar and trying to get his courage up to go talk to this beautiful blond at the other side of the bar. Just as he puts his drink down to go talk to her the bar door opens and in walks this ugly guy.
The ugly guy is so butt ugly that our hero thinks that this guy is the ugliest man on earth. The ugly guy immediately walks over to the pretty blond, says something to her and off they go out of the bar hand in hand.
Our hero is really taken back by this and feels like he missed an opportunity. So he spies a pretty brunette about an hour later and decides to approach her. Just as he puts his drink down again sure enough the same ugly guy comes into the bar again, goes right up to the brunette, says something to her, and out of the bar they go too this time with her hand on his butt........
Our hero is devastated and feels like a total loser. As the bar tender asks him if he wants a refill he says to the bar tenter "hey Joe did you just see that?"
The bar tender says "yeah - that ugly guys comes in here twice, approaches a pretty woman, licks his eyebrow, and off they go...."
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Bob Connor
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Nice ones gents. Here's another.
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.
So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,
'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, I'm not fucking going.'
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.
So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,
'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, I'm not fucking going.'
One more (containing no opinions - it's a joke)!
A guy sitting at the bar on a lonely night. Not to many other people around. He was hoping to find a girl to pick up. After a couple of hours of sipping beer, he was getting a little buzz on, and in walks a couple of girls, who sit down at a table and order drinks.
He is having trouble getting up his courage, so he has another beer. After finishing, the girls are still at the table, unmolested by anyone else in the bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'm gonna pick me up one of those girls!"
The bartender, says, "Nah, you don't want to mess with them."
The guy, now drunk, says "Why not, they look fine to me!"
The bartender says, "I know them both, and you don't want to mess with em, I tell you!"
Again the guy demands, "Why Not!"
The bartender leans over and says, "They are lesbians, just stay away from them."
With that, the guy stands up, and says, "I don't care!"
He walks over to the table, pulls out a chair, sits down with his elbows on the table and says, "Hi, how are things in Beiruit!"
A guy sitting at the bar on a lonely night. Not to many other people around. He was hoping to find a girl to pick up. After a couple of hours of sipping beer, he was getting a little buzz on, and in walks a couple of girls, who sit down at a table and order drinks.
He is having trouble getting up his courage, so he has another beer. After finishing, the girls are still at the table, unmolested by anyone else in the bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'm gonna pick me up one of those girls!"
The bartender, says, "Nah, you don't want to mess with them."
The guy, now drunk, says "Why not, they look fine to me!"
The bartender says, "I know them both, and you don't want to mess with em, I tell you!"
Again the guy demands, "Why Not!"
The bartender leans over and says, "They are lesbians, just stay away from them."
With that, the guy stands up, and says, "I don't care!"
He walks over to the table, pulls out a chair, sits down with his elbows on the table and says, "Hi, how are things in Beiruit!"
Waddy
Build Albums 12 done - 1 in process
Clip for #1 Barrios' "Una Limosna por el Amor de Dios" - Not me playing
Build Albums 12 done - 1 in process
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Bob Connor
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An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Ha!
So these two old dudes are sitting at the bar, getting drunk..
One says to the other, 'You know, when I was 30, I couldn't bend my erection, even with both my hands!'
'That's nice', says the other.
He continues, 'But when I was 40, I could give it about a 15 degree angle (same as a headstock...) if I tried hard... then when I was 50, I could bend it about 30 degrees...'
'Now that I'm sixty, I can bend it right in half, no problems at all.'
'So what's your point?', asks the other.
'Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get?!'
So these two old dudes are sitting at the bar, getting drunk..
One says to the other, 'You know, when I was 30, I couldn't bend my erection, even with both my hands!'
'That's nice', says the other.
He continues, 'But when I was 40, I could give it about a 15 degree angle (same as a headstock...) if I tried hard... then when I was 50, I could bend it about 30 degrees...'
'Now that I'm sixty, I can bend it right in half, no problems at all.'
'So what's your point?', asks the other.
'Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get?!'
'Hunting sober is like ...fishing...sober'
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Waddy
Build Albums 12 done - 1 in process
Clip for #1 Barrios' "Una Limosna por el Amor de Dios" - Not me playing
Build Albums 12 done - 1 in process
Clip for #1 Barrios' "Una Limosna por el Amor de Dios" - Not me playing
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sebastiaan56
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an oldie but a goodie
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
make mine fifths........
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